Losing More than Love
by Chibiyu
Summary: I thought I lost it all when I lost them, but it turned out, I had so much more to lose… Suicide one shot...PURE HORACE MANTIS CHALLENGE 10 JONAS


**Chibiyu: **_This is for Pure Horris Mantis Challenge number 10 and this has been on my mind for awhile. _

_DON'T OWN A THING!_

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**Losing More than Love**

Summary: _I thought I lost it all when I lost her, but it turned out, I had so much more to lose…_

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_?'S POV (GUESS WHO)_

It doesn't have to be like this. That was what everyone thought, but they were all wrong. It _did _have to be like this. What else did I have left? I lost everything and everyone. I lost them to life, to fame, to death and somewhere along the road, I even lost myself. But what did it matter now? Everything I had was gone, lost to the ages and shadows, and I never was going to find them. I was always notoriously bad at Hide and Seek, whether hiding or seeking, I would always fail. Life was just a game I happened to lose and even in a song that fact remains the same.

For a moment, I allowed the wind to blow through my hair and I closed my eyes, seeing everyone's faces before I lost sight of them. I heard their final words I would ever hear them speak. There was one 'I love you Bro,' a 'I will see you soon ok?' and of course a 'Don't do anything stupid." Like I would do anything stupid after their deaths. This in my mind was not stupid but brilliant. This was something I had to do. Because I was alone.

I hadn't only lost her to death, but one of my precious brother's and my best friend as well. I lost them both in a car crash in which they had no control over and could not have avoided. There went a 'I will see you soon ok?' and the 'Don't be anything stupid,' and a forgotten goodbye. And there also went a piece of my heart. But I still had two brothers and parents to help me through this, even thought they were hurting themselves. They still took their time to comfort me and tell me it would all soon be ok, that I would see them again one day when it was my time to leave this earth. I hoped they were right.

But I now realized all of those moments of them holding me as I wept and shook, all of the lost words of comfort and love, it was all for nothing. I still ended up this way, no matter how hard they tried to protect me from it.

And then another fell like the tears cascading down my cheeks and hitting the ground which seemed so far from my feet. I lost another brother and this time, I lost my mother. I only had one brother and a father, and less than half of my shattered heart. This time, the many hugs and tears and words of comfort did nothing to ease my pain. Nothing.

So that was why I was here now, but still, when I thought I had nothing left to lose, I had lost another. I had lost my father. My brother went insane from the loss but he tried to be strong for me and hide it, but I saw him cry and scream. I saw him shield himself from society and pour all of his misery into his pillow, his guitars long forgotten. And it was too much for me to see my only living brother in this much pain. But he had no idea I saw him, no idea that he was hurting me by his raining eyes, no idea what he had accidently led me too.

I have to do this. But he would say that I didn't.

But the death, the sorrow, was _nothing _compared to the numerous 'I'm sorry' and the 'I feel your pain.' No! You don't feel my pain! You have no freaking idea about how close I was to my family and how much I lost when they died! And what the heck are you sorry for? Oh, I'm sorry they are dead? Well whoop-de-do because I am too! You have no right to be saying those things because you have no flipping idea what hell I've gone through. Oh sure, they all said they would be here for me and my brother, but where were they now? They all broke their own promises and ignored their words to us and hat killed me, knowing that I was truly alone.

But…no…the death and sorrow still hurt worse than that, try as I may to lie about it, I was _far _from alright. The truth was I was still utterly broken from seeing their headstones and names carved in the marble and hearing my brother cry when he thought I was gone. Knowing that I could do nothing to help him after he had done all he can to help me…but how could I help him when I can't even help myself? He had _always _been there for me…I am sorry to say that I can never again be there for him.

Everything around me was calm and quiet, everything but me. I wanted to pick up my phone and tell my brother that I loved him too, like he did before I snuck out here and stood on this ledge. I wanted to but I knew he would again be sobbing about the losses we faced and if I heard his voice crack from the tears, I knew I wouldn't be able to speak.

I had lost everything. Everything but one thing. But I didn't really have a full life anymore…so I guess I really have lost everything.

I have to do this.

I jumped slightly as my phone rang and clung onto the flag pole next to me as I righted myself again. I listened to the ring tone set for my brother and debated whether to pick it up, but I did not and I almost felt the hot tears pouring down my face as I heard his voice when he left a message.

"Hey bro…please pick up, I know you are there…listen…we need to talk…please just pick up…" He paused and I heard him walking. "Look, I just want you to know I am sorry bro and I love you. Please call me or come back to the room when you get this." He hung up and by meaning the room, he meant to hotel in which we were currently staying at.

The roof door opened and I didn't need to turn to put two and two together. The sound of my brother walking up steps and the silence behind me told me everything I needed to know. I didn't need to look back to see his limp curls falling over his pale face or to see the shock in his eyes. Why was he up here?

The silence was becoming too much…I looked down; wanting to do this, need to, but I couldn't scar my brother like that. I didn't want him to see it.

"Say something." I ordered harshly over my shoulder but the only the wind answered my plea. And then;

"Why?"

I looked over my shoulder at his scared and small sounding voice. His eyes were exactly like I pictured them; wide and fear filled and red, his face streaked with tear lines, but shock was also extremely evident as he beheld his brother, standing less than two inches from death.

"Because Nick, I have nothing left." I whispered but he heard me and stiffened, his eyes watering.

"So I am nothing?" He questioned, hurt flooding into his voice and tears now spilling from his cheeks and I knew I was crying just as hard. "You would leave me alone with no one? I'm only 18 and we just lost everyone, Stella, Macy, our parents and our two brothers and you would leave me with no one? I…I can't do this without you Joe."

I looked away from him, filled with pain and ashamed that I hadn't thought of the toll this would take on my little brother.

But I still had to do this.

"I can't do this with them Nicky." I choked out and I heard him walking over to me and before I could stop him, he was standing next to me, fear on his face but a gleam I hadn't seen in awhile; determination. I yelled at him to get down and that he could get killed but he just looked at me funnily.

"Joe, we lost everyone and if I lose you…why not lose myself as well?" He stated, taking my hand gently but not looking at me, but I was astounded because he had not held my hand for years. He was serious and scared and it was all my doing. I starred at him and he shivered a bit from under my gaze but did not look up.

"Nicky…you can't…I could…I won't let you." I shouted and he sighed, looking back at me.

"Joe…if you jump…how could you stop me?" He asked, finding the logic in the darkest situations. I sighed and looked to the stars briefly before looking back to him. "Even if I didn't jump…I would still die."

His words felt like an elephant was trampling the shattered fragments of my heart. He was right…like always…but I couldn't live with this pain. I'd lost the love of my life, my mother, my father, my best friend, my older brother and my youngest brother. I lost my world. I couldn't live like this, knowing every day I would get up and face this pain…I just couldn't.

"Nicky…I…" I couldn't finish. I couldn't tell those eyes that I needed to die.

"Joey…Please don't do this." He quietly begged and I started shaking as I realized he hadn't called me Joey since he was seven and how much this was paining him and scaring him for him to call me that. Nick squeezed my limp hand before loosening his hold and he slowly stepped off the ledge. "Please Joey…don't leave me…I can't live without you too…please…" He forced out between horrified sobs.

I couldn't leave him…what was I doing? This was so selfish…I wasn't alone, I had Nick still and he needed me and I would be there for him like he always had been for me. I turned slowly and faced Nick, lifting one foot to bring it next to him and he smiled for the first time in a year, relief covering every inch of his face as I nodded.

But it wasn't to be.

A large gust of wind hit me squarely in the chest and I, only being on one foot, stumbled back…but I met open air and my hand was ripped from Nick's and I felt myself falling. I closed my eyes.

I was suddenly yanked to a stop and I opened my eyes and saw Nick, who somehow grabbed my forearm as he jumped from the side of the twenty story hotel and held on to the ledge with his other hand. His face was etched in terror but determination and concentration.

"Nick?" I called up to him and he looked down at me, strain on his face from supporting his own weight and mine.

"I won't let you die!" He yelled back, love showing clearly in his eyes and I smiled small, thankful for him but at the same time…if he missed me and the ledge, we both would have died together…but he didn't. His sport skills saved us along with his large instrument hands. Dangling here, being held onto life by a small thing, I wondered if this was how Kevin, Stella and Macy felt when they were hit by that semi? If this was what Mom and Dad and Frankie felt when they were caught in a bank robbery. If they thought of us like I was thinking of them and Nick. If they whispered their last words to us, ones we would never hear. Is this what it felt like to be so close to death?

"Joey!" Nick yelled and I snapped out of my thoughts to look back up to him. "Climb up over me and then pull me up, I can hold you!" He ordered and I nodded before reaching up my other arm and grabbing his leg, never more thankful for those multiple arm workouts I did daily. I may have kneed Nick's head as I climbed over him, but I was not too worried about that right now.

I got over the ledge and instantly reached down, grabbed his other hand and pulled him over, both of us collapsing and panting and Nick clinging to me as if his life depended on it and I clung right back. I thought I had to do that, kill myself…but know I know the only thing I need to do, is be here for my little brother and live. He needed me and I needed him. And I wasn't about to leave him.

"I love you Nick…and thank you." I whispered and Nick nodded in our hug.

"I love you too Joey…and I'm sorry they all died…and that I haven't been there for you when you needed me." He whispered. What was he talking about?

"Nicky, it's not your fault about them…and I should be sorry, you've been there for me but I've never been there for you. But I promise that I will always be there for you from now on." I gently said and he pulled back, a small smile brightening his face and cutting through the fear.

"Let's get down from here." He suggested and I chuckled and stood, putting my arm around his shoulder, and together, we walked through the door and down to safety and a brighter future.

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**Chibiyu: **_Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile. Hope you all enjoyed it!_


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